I need to get this out and into the world. I have been at odds with myself since staying on the Sinai peninsula...

I woke up to a dream at 7:30am in my Bedouin camp in Dahab - CRYING. I have never woken up to a dream where I was crying in the dream and physically crying at the same time. The dream had something to do with walking empty streets alone looking for friends, family, or even strangers. I then remember that in the dream I fell through a deep black hole onto another unpopulated street. I was sitting on the ground, cross-legged, crying in loneliness when I turned around to see my friend Sam standing 50-100 meters away with his arms open. I then woke up after he said, "What's up buddy?"

In Tel Aviv today, I found myself in this restaurant called Benedict's. It is a cool breakfast place on Rothschild that is open 24 hours. I was there at 3pm approximately. I was by myself and I had ordered a cappuccino. There were two girls sitting to my left that were eating breakfast food and speaking in English. I failed in approaching them with a friendly hello and introduction. I failed to seize the opportunity to get to know some new strangers.

Pursuing opportunities like this is the reason I began to travel in the first place. The dilemma I'm facing is that I'm generating these experiences only with foreign men. I have been completely scared and afraid of rejection from women. I have been actively not introducing myself to women and generating spontaneous moments in Israel, Jordan, and Egypt. I am AFRAID to open my mouth. I am PETRIFIED of REJECTION. I NEED HELP and SUPPORT. Before and after the weight-loss, I constantly feel SELF-CONSCIOUS and LONESOME. My mental health is now at risk. I have completely revolutionized my physical fitness, but my mental health in the areas of the pursuit of women and jobs feels hopeless.

I cried in public today it was so bad. I was sitting in the cafe tearing up after the two girls left. I am depressed that this is happening to me. I am sulking. I'm not making friends really... I'm making acquaintances. And even though these acquaintances can turn into friends in the future (which I hope they will), the conversations we're having are only trivial. And when asked how I feel, I play hypocrite and say everything is alright and wonderful.

I have to stop lying to myself and others regarding my feelings. It is currently the bane of my mental health.